November in Review

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Ugh, I may have to quit these reviews, I feel like I am so depressing, lol, but one more month in this year, so I will keep on for now and even though I hesitate to share my experience I detail below, I think my experience needs to be shared and hopefully can help others, as it is hard to find personal accounts of ketamine infusion for depression.

As indicated in last month’s review, my depression was pretty bad and I was excited to start a new treatment with promising results. I wanted to share super good news this month and envisioned it in my head as such great news for the holidays for myself and our family, which is why I took pictures. Lol, oh my poor confident, hopeful, delusional self.

I tried ketamine infusions- an FDA off label treatment for depression that has promising results and research behind it. I researched medical journals studies for weeks- I did not take the decision lightly, it was costly and although it seemed the risks were small, I still feared taking something that was not approved and fully clinically examined. I decided to do it and I thought I remained cautiously optimistic, not thinking of it as a cure but hoping for relief. But I suppose after all the research, I went in believing it would work for me and that I would get major relief.  Recovery was 75% for depression and 80% for PTSD. I thought- at least if my PTSD was knocked out, I would have a better chance at fighting the depression.

I cried thru most of the four 45 minute long ketamine infusions. Nick was by my side which helped keep me calm. I would be ok and then once the infusion hit, I was scared and would most often cry. They told me not to expect results until the 2nd or 3rd infusion. The night before the 3rd ketamine infusion, after reaping no benefits, I was so scared of it NOT working and I cried all night in fear (clearly a sign my depression was bad). And, it did not work. I dutifully went to the 4th ketamine infusion, but I surrendered that it would not work after the 3rd and pretty much lost all hope but I wanted to follow thru.

After all my research, I do believe ketamine infusions seem to work for many people, it is why I decided to do it. I do not want to discourage people at all, just because it did not work for me does not mean it wont work for others. I would do it all over again because I am so desperate for relief. However, health care is a business in the US, and ketamine promises amazing results to a vulnerable group of suicidal, greatly depressed people who may try anything and pay anything for relief.  The place I received the ketamine infusions boasted a 75% recovery rate, but they never once contacted me after my treatment was done, so I do have doubts in those numbers.

After the ketamine disappointment, my depression, which was already there and had been bad for awhile, I started to sink. Holiday season brings up a ton of grief for my Mom and my trauma is triggered at this time as well, so I had a lot of extra turmoil in my head and depression/ptsd causes those issues to loop on repeat. Unfortunately, I also had a therapy session that would be very triggering as we delved into some of the deep work of the trauma and I knew it would be difficult, but I did not expect the ketamine disappointment to sink me, so I went thru with the session. Not. a. good. idea.

I plummeted after the session and had one of my worst bouts in a long time. The kind when I am lying there crying and pretty much unable to move, although I worked hard going through all my coping methods and steps. Thankfully, Nick could work a lot at home that day to help support me and help with Cole who mercifully napped long that day.  But, I got up again and slowly recovered after that day.

I do not know what is next, but obviously I will keep trying.

Ok, can we get to the good news???

nick and I kiss

I remain grateful for Nick and the 3 children that make my heart swell and encourage me to be a better person.  It was so nice to have a 4 day weekend for the holiday and relax and play and decorate!

I had to cancel hosting Thanksgiving as my father in law was recovering from surgery and we had to have it at my in-laws, so I do not have any pretty T day pics =(   I did make the turkey, Nick’s favorite stuffing and this amazing pull apart bread brie appetizer from Half Baked Harvest.  I tried to take a picture but when I went to get my phone, the appetizer was mostly gone, haha.  I am definitely making it again!

If you missed the great emu escape and Nick chasing them and getting mad at me for filming, you MUST run to my instagram highlights & watch it under EMUS. It is HILARIOUS, will definitely have to add to my mental health checklist to watch when sad.

I think I only have this one outfit to share this month, really need to figure out what to do with my boobs though lol, Nick thinks it looks fine but I think he is biased. Find the jumpsuit here.

blue and white jumpsuit

See you next month, xoxo!


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